Amy Burton: “It’s wildly frustrating to me that community concern about domestic violence is so focused on the adult victims”
It’s wildly frustrating to me that community concern about domestic violence is so focused on the adult victims. Violence against children is not a mere product of domestic violence between couples. Children’s right to physical safety is no more a threat to parental dignity than a wife’s right to physical safety from her husband is a threat to his rights or dignity. Fewer victims of child abuse would clearly reduce the incidence of those victims committing violent crimes against others in later life.
I had the pleasure of interviewing Amy Burton, a solo mom by choice to 5 children including 2 sets of donor conceived twins. She was previously a foster parent to 20 children over 7 years in 2 states, then went on to work with children in the foster care system or at risk of entering the system. Now medically retired, Amy uses YouTube to share her expertise in creating & raising families & guiding even the most difficult & damaged kids into happy success stories.
Thank you so much for joining us! What brought you to this career path?
When I was little, my brother & I occasionally used to be left in the toy department while the adults did their thing. But I always headed straight to the baby department to spend hours deciding which cots & cradles & clothes I’d buy for all the kids in the world. I seriously had a picture in my head of taking millions of kids away from their parents so I could raise them my way. But as I got older it gradually occurred to me that raising a whole generation wasn’t actually a viable option for one person.
I truly loved looking after children in day care, but my real goal became to support other adults to look after children non-violently — because supporting parents is the most realistically effective way to support children. I created & delivered courses on child development & behaviour management while completing my degree & went on to spend several happy years working in the child protection sector with kids in care, or at risk of being brought into the system. But I felt I wasn’t much closer to addressing families on a scale that would make a real difference. Nowadays I use social media to raise the positive profile of diverse families & the needs of children in the foster care system, plus I offer parenting advice for overworked, under supported, & overly judged modern millennial parents.
What’s the most interesting story that happened since you began your career?
I have the most insanely hilarious start-up story that’s ever existed on social media. It’s how I know for sure I was called to this path, because I would never have been here any other way.
The short version is that I got my first smart phone but couldn’t figure out how to get my first video off of the phone. I rejected the “share with Facebook” option because I was too private to have an account, so opted for “share with YouTube”. All I knew of YouTube back then was flash mobs & funny cat videos. So I was devastated when I got my first subscriber that day & couldn’t figure out how to delete it. I was even more upset when I learned I’d accidentally set up a YouTube “channel”. I was terrified I was going to be arrested for impersonating a television channel. Luckily my eldest son eventually managed to explain what was happening & that it was nothing to be alarmed about. And that’s the true story of how my YouTube career was accidentally born!
What was the funniest mistake that you made when you were first starting out? What lessons did you learn from it?
Honestly my mistakes getting into social media were too numerous to even recall them all. I had no relevant background or skills, could barely operate a camera (even on a phone), literally had no idea what editing was, was bewildered about what viewers wanted when they asked for “shout outs”, & took years to understand what a custom thumbnail was — never mind how to make one.
We quickly built up a really lovely supportive community around the family videos I was uploading, but I still had no idea that social media was a career option until the day I received an invite to join YouTube’s partnership program. At first I thought destiny had dropped my family onto YouTube to resolve our massive financial problems (I was medically retired from my profession at that time). But although we appeared super popular on the surface, many of our videos were subject to copyright claims & I certainly didn’t achieve financial success making family videos.
I started pondering why on earth destiny had dragged me on to YouTube? If not for money, it couldn’t be to make something as trivial as family skit videos surely?? After a lot of introspection, I decided in 2018 to put my new video production skills to use by providing free information to the public — in hopes of making a positive social impact.
How are you using your platform to make a significant social impact?
Social media has more power to connect people with valuable information & inspiration than any other medium because it’s so open & so big & so interactive. There’s so much content being produced by so many different creators that it’s tough to be heard — but not impossible. I do think it’s true that cream rises on social media, even if it’s also true that most floaters are best flushed out.
The mutual interactivity between influencers & the public is so close on social media that we get a ton of useful feedback. People are quick to tell us if we’re too preachy or too vague or just plain boring or ineffective. I think this sort of real time, UN-sugar-coated feedback helps us to improve our delivery so much more than any other sort of training or apprenticeship we could hope for.
Can you share a story about an individual impacted by this cause?
We have so many kind & capable people in our community who want nothing more than the privilege of being a loving parent to a child who needs one. I’m always thrilled when told my videos have empowered someone to open their hearts & homes.
Was there a tipping point that made you decide to focus on this area?
I started Ask AMY by answering fairly general questions about building great family relationships. The tipping point came when the video requests outnumbered my ability to produce videos by around 50–1. The only viable way forward was to take control & start prioritising the subjects I felt most called to address.
Nowadays I choose the topics I believe are the most under-served, under-answered, or most wrongly answered. My goal is to support the types of people who most need support & encouragement & I hope it results in more children being safe & nurtured.
What are 3 things that community/society/politicians can do to help address the root of the problem?
1) Before deciding to create my new channel, I really wrestled with the concept of “who the heck am I” to build myself a soap box? I was literally praying for a sign when I got the clear answer I could never have come up with on my own. An 80’s song called “You’re The Voice” came on the radio for the first time in decades. The whole point of that song is that no individual is anointed to lead a movement. We all have an equal, individual responsibility to speak up & speak out. In that moment I gave myself permission to be “a voice” on things that really matter. The biggest thing that other people can do is add their own voices to those conversations. There are so many important causes & so many contributions are needed to make change happen.
2) It’s obscenely difficult to intervene to make children safe from parental violence unless an adult victim is being abused by the same perpetrator. I believe there is a need for legislative change to protect vulnerable children from physical harm.
3) Thirdly, I believe grandparents could be the most important catalysts for change when it comes to child safety. Family violence is handed down through generations because what you do not reject, you are doomed to repeat. Instead of self righteously trying to justify the past, grandparents could make a huge impact by stressing how they would do things differently now if they had the chance. It would give so many loyal offspring the emotional freedom to adopt the mantra of “when you know better, you do better”.
What specific strategies have you been using to promote and advance this cause? Can you recommend any good tips for others?
I think the most common mistake that influencers make is to overestimate their influence outside of the niche for which they developed their following. I’ve seen so many who’ve developed prominence for their comedy or their beauty or fashion advice, who make the mistake of dry preaching on unrelated issues, without connecting their social impact message to the topic for which they have influential authority. Like if you’re a DIY crafter & you make a video about homelessness in your community, you’re not going to merely fail — you’re going to alienate your followers. If the cause you want to promote is not compatible with the platform you have, you’ll have to do as I did & walk away from the channel with over 100k subscribers & apply your skills to starting again from scratch. I personally drifted away from my family vlog because it’s young followers aren’t my target demographic. But if your current audience are the very people you want to target, you simply have to package your message in terms of the issues you do have credibility in. Perhaps you could teach people how to make something to give to the homeless? Or maybe a beauty vlogger can emphasise the fact that beauty is found in every skin colour even if it’s different to their own beauty blogger gorgeousness. It’s just about connecting your cause to what your audience wants from you.
What are 5 things you wish someone told you when you were starting out?
It’s dangerously easy to be one of those people who merely re-state the superficially obvious or preach to the converted. But there’s so little true value in doing that. It’s true that search engine optimisation (SEO) is only designed to feed people’s known interests. And it’s true SEO is not discerning enough to provide quality information to people that need it. So influencers actually have to package our information according to what people want & look for, in order to fill the gaps in knowledge they didn’t know they had. For example I had to explain how to get obedience to earn an opportunity to explain why having obedient children is such a misguided ambition.
I truly believe that to make a genuine social impact, you have to interest the people who DIS-agree with you. You have to be welcoming enough, enlightening enough, & compelling enough to help those people think a new way. Like I was better able to get past people’s biases about what foster kids are like by making a true or false style game out of it.
Influencers also need to brace up for hate. Stepping up to elevate a cause is like painting a giant target on yourself for all the people who don’t want change. Attacks on you will be public & fierce because you just made yourself a symbol of what they reject. For example, I’ve had some trolling from some bigoted misogynists on the subject of single moms by choice.
If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most people, what would that be? (you never know what your idea could trigger).
It’s wildly frustrating to me that community concern about domestic violence is so focused on the adult victims. Violence against children is not a mere product of domestic violence between couples. Children’s right to physical safety is no more a threat to parental dignity than a wife’s right to physical safety from her husband is a threat to his rights or dignity. Fewer victims of child abuse would clearly reduce the incidence of those victims committing violent crimes against others in later life.
Your fave life lesson quote? How was that relevant to you in your life?
I have a plaque on my wall that says “A mother holds her children’s hands for a while and their hearts forever”. It’s a reminder that my window of opportunity for physically steering & protecting my children will be short. Beyond childhood, my guidance will be limited to the impact I’ve had on their hearts: in how they value themselves, as well as the respect & compassion they’ve developed for others.
Is there a person in the world with whom you’d like to have a private breakfast or lunch, and why?
My lifelong dream has always been to meet & thank my soul mother Oprah Winfrey. I’m just one of millions of women she has given deeply profound, motherly guidance to. Many of the most important (& fulfilling & joyful) aspects of my adult life & relationships were literally shaped by her words of wisdom.
How can people follow you on social media?
One day I woke up & found myself on YouTube, & I’m still amazed by that twist of fate. But the bottom line is, I know for sure I was called to be here — so find me on YouTube at www.youtube.com/AskAMYvideos because that’s the best place to find me until destiny steers me elsewhere.
Thank you so much for these great insights!
Amy Burton: “It’s wildly frustrating to me that community concern about domestic violence is so… was originally published in Authority Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.